The Forgotten Person in Children’s Sleep Problems: The Parent

The Sleep Fixer

Oct 5

6 min read

When we talk about children’s sleep problems, quite rightly, most of the focus goes to the child.

Why is my child waking at 2am?

Why does be

dtime take three hours?

Why can’t they get back to sleep?

Why are they exhausted during the day but suddenly wide awake at bedtime?

Is it anxiety? Sensory needs? Their body clock? Medication? Something we’re doing, or perhaps something we’re not doing, at bedtime?

These are all important questions.

But there is somebody else awake at 2am.

The parent.

And after more than 15 years working with children and families, I don’t think we talk about them nearly enough.

When Your Child Isn’t Sleeping, You Aren’t Either

One of the very first families I worked with taught me this lesson, and I’ve carried it throughout my career.

Their son had significant sleep difficulties. His mum had been surviving on around four hours of sleep a night for seven years.

By the time I met her, she was seriously unwell with depression and receiving daily support from a crisis mental health team.

There was no magic sleep solution.

We worked gradually to understand why her child was struggling with sleep and made changes that were realistic for him and for their family.

His sleep began to improve.

And his mum started sleeping too.

Over time, her mental health improved to the point where she was discharged from the crisis team.

I’m always careful when I tell this story. Improving her son’s sleep didn’t cure her depression. Mental health is far more complex than that.

But that family taught me something I have never forgotten:

When a child isn’t sleeping, we’re rarely dealing with only the child’s sleep.

How Children’s Sleep Problems Affect Parents

Morning still arrives.

And that parent still has to get up.

There may be school runs, work, appointments, forms, other children to care for and decisions to make.

For parents of children with SEND, there can be an enormous additional load of appointments, advocacy, therapies, school meetings and navigating services.

They may spend their entire day helping their child regulate while running on empty themselves.

Then bedtime comes around.

And they do it all again.

This isn’t always just tiredness.

For some families dealing with long-term children’s sleep problems, we are talking about significant, chronic exhaustion.

“I’ve Tried Everything to Get My Child to Sleep”

I hear this from parents all the time.

“My child won’t sleep.”

“My child wakes for hours during the night.”

“My child takes hours to fall asleep.”

“My child is exhausted but suddenly wide awake at bedtime.”

Children waking at 1, 2 or 3am and being ready to start the day.

Bedtimes taking two or three hours.

Children who seem completely wired when bedtime arrives.

Busy brains suddenly processing the entire day when everything becomes quiet.

Anxiety.

Older children and teenagers who still need a parent beside them in order to sleep.

And underneath so many of those conversations is an exhausted parent asking:

“What else can I try?”

Why Another Bedtime Routine Might Not Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems

Keep putting them back to bed.

Don’t engage.

Leave the room.

Remove screens.

Make the bedroom dark.

Create a calming bedtime routine.

Be consistent.

Some of this advice can absolutely be helpful.

But it isn’t appropriate for every child.

What if your child doesn’t have sufficient danger awareness for you to simply leave them?

What if sensory needs make the recommended sleep environment uncomfortable?

What if separation sends their nervous system into overdrive?

What if you’ve consistently returned your child to bed for weeks and they’re still awake for hours?

This becomes particularly important when we’re talking about SEND, neurodivergent children and sleep.

Sometimes the family hasn’t failed the sleep advice.

Sometimes the sleep advice hasn’t addressed the right problem for that child.

What Causes Children’s Sleep Problems?

This is where I want to change the question.

Instead of immediately asking:

“How do I get my child to sleep?”

Try asking:

“What is getting in the way of sleep for my child?”

Because sleep isn’t simply a behaviour.

It’s a biological process.

There are several things I consider when trying to understand why a child is struggling with sleep.

Sleep Pressure

Our need for sleep builds while we are awake.

How long a child has been awake, their naps, activity and what happens throughout their day can all influence how ready their body is for sleep when bedtime arrives.

Being tired and being biologically ready for sleep aren't always the same thing.

Your Child’s Body Clock

Our circadian rhythm helps regulate when the body expects wakefulness and when it expects sleep.

Light, wake time, activity and the timing of our day all provide signals to this internal clock.

Sometimes a child may be going to bed at a time when their body simply isn't ready to sleep yet.

Anxiety and Busy Brains at Bedtime

For some children, bedtime is the first genuinely quiet part of the day.

Suddenly there are fewer distractions and their brain has space to process everything that has happened.

Worries, excitement, stress, transitions and thoughts that haven't had anywhere to go during the day can all appear when the lights go out.

Sensory Needs and Neurodivergence

For neurodivergent children, we may also need to consider sensory needs, regulation, transitions, communication and what their nervous system has experienced throughout the day.

A bedtime routine that feels calming to one child may be completely dysregulating for another.

Physical and Medical Factors

Not every childhood sleep problem is behavioural.

Pain, breathing difficulties, restless legs, reflux, medication and other physical or medical factors may affect a child's sleep.

If something doesn't feel right, or you are concerned there may be a medical reason for your child's sleep difficulties, speak to an appropriate healthcare professional.

There can be many pieces to the puzzle.

Two children can both be wide awake at 2am for completely different reasons.

Giving both families exactly the same sleep strategy doesn’t make sense.

SEND, Neurodivergent Children and Sleep

SEND doesn’t change the fundamental biology of sleep.

Sleep pressure still matters.

Circadian rhythm still matters.

The nervous system still matters.

Medical and physiological factors still matter.

But SEND can absolutely change what appropriate children’s sleep support looks like.

The strategy needs to be safe.

It needs to be realistic.

It needs to take account of sensory and communication needs.

And it needs to work for the child and the family.

Sometimes that means adapting conventional sleep strategies rather than expecting a child or family to fit into a standard sleep programme.

And sometimes it means recognising that an exhausted parent simply doesn’t have the capacity to implement a complicated intervention right now.

That matters too.

What to Do When Your Child Won’t Sleep

If you’ve reached the point where you feel like you’ve tried everything, I don’t want you to finish reading this and change ten things tonight.

Quite the opposite.

Start by observing.

For seven days, notice:

What time your child goes to bed
What time they actually fall asleep
When they wake during the night
Approximately how long they are awake
What happens during those wakings
What time their day starts
Whether they sleep during the day
Anything else you notice

We’re looking for patterns.

Because before we try to fix sleep, it helps to understand it.

Start With a Children’s Sleep Diary

Keeping a children’s sleep diary for a week can help you step back and see patterns that are almost impossible to notice when you’re living through disrupted nights.

And please don't worry about creating elaborate spreadsheets or tracking every minute perfectly.

We're looking for the bigger picture.

I have a free children’s sleep diary you can use to get started.

Download my free Children’s Sleep Diary →

The Forgotten Person in Children’s Sleep Problems

And this brings me back to where we started.

The parent.

One of the questions I’ve asked parents throughout my career is:

“How are you doing?”

Not as small talk.

Because it matters.

Your child may need help with their sleep.

But you may have been awake beside them for months or even years.

You may be trying to understand their needs while chronically sleep deprived yourself.

Your wellbeing belongs in the conversation too.

So rather than asking yourself:

“What else can I try?”

Try starting with:

“What is getting in the way of my child’s sleep?”

And if you’re struggling to work that out on your own, that’s exactly where I can help.

Get Help With Your Child’s Sleep

My Deep Dive Sleep Assessment for children aged 2–16 is for families who want to stop guessing and understand what may actually be getting in the way of their child’s sleep.

We look at the whole picture, including their sleep pattern, body clock, sleep pressure, sensory and emotional needs, neurodivergence, health, medication, environment and what is realistically manageable for your family.

You’ll leave with a personalised sleep plan rather than another list of generic sleep tips, plus one months of ongoing access to Kerry AI Parent Sleep Coach to support you as you put the plan into practice.