Child Sleep Problems: The Family Who Changed How I Think About Sleep
One of the very first families I worked with changed the way I think about children's sleep problems forever.
Their son had significant sleep difficulties.
But this isn't really a story about his sleep.
It's about his mum.
Because when a child doesn't sleep, there is very often somebody else awake with them.
And sometimes we forget to ask what years of disrupted sleep are doing to that person too.
Seven years of broken sleep
When I met this family, Mum had been surviving on around four hours of sleep a night.
Not for a few difficult weeks.
Not for a particularly bad few months.
For seven years.
Seven years of nights being disrupted by her child's sleep.
Seven years of getting up the next morning regardless.
Seven years of carrying on.
By the time I met her, her mental health had deteriorated significantly. She was experiencing severe depression and was receiving daily support from the crisis mental health team.
Her son's sleep wasn't necessarily the cause of everything she was experiencing.
But years of severe sleep disruption were part of the picture.
And that mattered.
We didn't start with a magic bedtime routine
There wasn't one clever sleep trick that suddenly changed everything.
There wasn't a perfect bedtime routine.
And there certainly wasn't a magic wand.
We started by trying to understand why her son was struggling to sleep.
What was actually happening?
What might be getting in the way?
What did this particular child need?
And crucially, what changes were actually manageable for his mum?
Because a sleep plan can look brilliant on paper and still be completely useless if an exhausted parent doesn't have the physical or emotional capacity to implement it.
So we made changes gradually.
Over the following months, his sleep began to improve.
And then something else started to happen.
His mum started sleeping.
When his sleep changed, something changed for her too
As she began getting more sleep, her mental health improved.
Eventually, she reached the point where she was discharged from the crisis mental health team.
I want to be very careful with what I'm saying here.
Improving her son's sleep did not "cure" her depression.
She continued to experience depression and still needed support.
Mental health is far more complex than that.
But seeing the change in that family taught me something incredibly important very early in my career.
When we're dealing with a child's sleep problem, we're very rarely dealing with only the child's sleep.
The forgotten person in childhood sleep problems
When a child wakes repeatedly throughout the night, there is often a parent waking too.
When a child is awake from 2am until 5am, somebody may be sitting beside them.
When bedtime takes three hours, a parent's evening disappears with it.
And then morning comes.
That parent still has to get everybody dressed.
Do the school run.
Go to work.
Look after other children.
Attend appointments.
Complete forms.
Advocate for their child.
Make decisions.
Manage meltdowns.
Regulate somebody else's emotions while their own nervous system is running on empty.
And then bedtime comes around again.
For families of children with SEND or neurodivergent children with sleep difficulties, that cycle can continue for months or even years.
That's why I don't think we can talk properly about children's sleep without talking about parental sleep deprivation too.
Why generic sleep advice isn't always enough
This family also shaped another fundamental part of how I work.
I don't believe the first question should always be:
"How do we get this child to sleep?"
I think we need to ask:
"What is getting in the way of sleep for this child?"
Because children's sleep difficulties aren't all caused by the same thing.
Sleep pressure and the body clock can play a role.
So can anxiety, sensory needs, neurodivergence, medication, pain, breathing difficulties, restless legs, environment, routines and what is happening within the child's wider life.
And two children who are both awake at 2am might be awake for completely different reasons.
That means they may need completely different support.
This becomes particularly important when we're supporting children with SEND and sleep problems.
Advice has to work for the actual child.
And the actual family.
It needs to be safe.
It needs to be realistic.
And it needs to consider what that parent has the capacity to do.
Sometimes we need to stop trying to fix sleep
When parents come to me, they've often already tried everything.
Another bedtime routine.
Another reward chart.
Another sleep strategy.
Another piece of advice from somebody telling them to "just be consistent".
So sometimes the most useful thing we can do is stop adding more strategies.
And start observing.
What is actually happening with this child's sleep?
What time do they go to bed?
What time do they actually fall asleep?
When are they waking?
How long are they awake?
What happens during those wake-ups?
When do they get up for the day?
Are they sleeping during the daytime?
Are there patterns we're missing?
That's why I've created a free child sleep diary.
You can track your child's sleep over seven days without trying to change anything yet.
Because before we try to fix sleep, it helps to understand it.
Your child's sleep matters. And so does yours.
I've worked in sleep for many years now, but I still think about that first family.
They fundamentally changed the way I see childhood sleep difficulties.
Because behind the sleep diary, the wake-ups and the bedtime battles are human beings.
There's a child who is struggling to sleep.
And very often, there's an exhausted parent beside them.
So if you're reading this at 2am while your child is wide awake, I want you to know that when we talk about supporting your child's sleep, you are part of that conversation too.
Your child's sleep matters.
And so does yours.
Kerry Davies
The Sleep Fixer
Science-led. Deeply human.
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